By all accounts this 12 year old has healthy, varied, age-appropriate interests and Im not sure why dad cant serve a little honey with his vinegar. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. Being oblivious to financial matters. Mommy and daddy present a united front. THIS. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. . My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! Yeah, ditching a piano recital where the child is performing a talent or whatever is different from rolling your eyes at a TV show they like. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. Addressing issues with the person whos causing the problem is just a good habit to get into, you know? Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. I still think hes acting out like a child. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. Great lesson to learn from your dad. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. Can I get a 'corona divorce' from my quarantined family? He can take care of himself." Like many women,. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. Did we always get along? When you did actually accurately zero in once in a while, you may have thrived enough on the intermittent reinforcement to hang in for subsequent disappointing rounds. I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. I thought for years that I was incapable of being competitive, and all of a sudden Im in a sport that has me knocking people down and finding bursts of speed I didnt know I hadturns out I just hated playing basketball and gave no shits. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. 6napkinburger It took me a VERY long time to develop my own interests and become my own person I think youre right to encourage your daughter to be who she is and like what she likes. When I was a kid, I shared a lot of interests with my mom, too, and not as many with my dad. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. He is dedicated and hard-working. July 2, 2013, 12:42 pm. The LW should do some serious work in building the bond, and working on her marriage, but I would make sure that the dad is putting in just as much effort. But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. I recommend that the LW keep a very close eye on this. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. "My Husband's Pushing My Daughter Away" - Dear Wendy Its her birthday today So Im taking her out for a steak dinner and then were going to watch fireworks (which she has decided the city has put on for her). I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. But the problem here is not that the daughter dislikes her dads interests. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. Huge difference one is laughing with you, one is laughing at you and I think when your daughter is 12 and you are having trouble getting along that it is on the adult/father to go the extra mile and make sure that you arent being a jackass in an effort to be humorous. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. We were so thrilled. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. Beware of These 5 Ways You May Unintentionally Push Your Man Away I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. I'M GETTING FED UP WITH MY FRIEND'S CRUSH. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. Yes, this is the stuff a 7th grade girl needs to hear to boost her self-esteem. than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. meadowphoenix The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. Meanwhile both Buffy and Firefly are all ancient history as far as teens are concerned Worse, Buffy is VERY annoying to anybody with an even vaguely high IQ. I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. Dream! And aside from all the other suggestions people have made, like neutral activities such as mini golf and ice cream, what about a trade? I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? I was all set to like this until you said shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Why is it not ok for adults to like these shows?? And dont EVER talk negatively about one spouse to your children. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. She's an active parent who enjoys indoor and outdoor adventures with her family. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? Im peace-ing out. It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. I got a very different vibe from this. However you come about discovering a new way to be together, it is better to take a chance of doing something different than to let layers of disappointment bury the love you once held sacred. Yes, I know firsthand how much some Buffy fans just need to shut up about that blasted show. The LW can do more to assist, and certainly needs to break away from the us versus him mentality (its easier said that done) but at the same time she cant force 2 other people to enjoy their time together. I grew up with a dad who I had a lot in common with. Usually sharks.). I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. Educational trivia game, reading articles and discussing them together or in a game format. Amazing job today! Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. In four decades of observing crazy-making partners in therapy, I have seen many underlying reasons why these people will simply not let their partners add up any pleasing points. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. Oh and get this, occasionally, I orchestrate it so hes not the asshole no-fun mr knitknots type, and I do unfun things, like make her come serve soup at a homeless kitchen or walk dogs at the SPCA or help our elderly neighbour do various stuff. Obsessed with dolls? So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! First and foremost, of course, is the safety of your children. The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. Not Ready To See You With Anyone Other Than Their Biological Father. Think of it this way: the car insurance typically follows the car, not the driver. I enjoyed it so much, I went both mornings. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. He would watch Full House or something with us. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. Hes not interested in that because that would require work and compromise on his part. my husband is mean to my daughter Iesha Mulla Iesha is a loving mother of 2 beautiful children. Manage Settings I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. Anything! One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. I wanted nothing to do with my dad for a long time. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. Is Your Partner Driving You Crazy? | Psychology Today 2. I think its great that he invites her and wants to share his interests with her. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. Make it easier for him to be his best self. bittergaymark For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. , Fair enough, NKOTB fan!! This is NO accident. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! Definitely. If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). lets_be_honest I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . I agree with you to some extent. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. I dont think there is any one size fits all strategy. Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. Someone gets one out and I want to vomit. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). Everything Hilary Duff Has Said About Her Motherhood Journey Over the Years Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. The conflict between your husband and daughter is bound to happen. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. I think she may have deactivated. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). Lastly, he should NEVER tell his daughter that things she likes annoy him. , temperance He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. WE cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if WE are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell US to stop because it annoys him. Everyone can have a relaxing hobby. LW, you and your husband are a team. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. Skyblossom Liquid Luck My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. lets_be_honest I just dont get it. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying?
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my husband is driving my daughter away