husband doesn t want to go on family vacation

Heres to many years of not feeling needless guilt. Whoops, tried to highlight he says and stumbled into some html. Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. If the OP is part of running the conference/event, yep, theyll be lucky to find the time for 8 hours sleep each night. A 14 hour road trip is long enough, but it's going to be way longer than that with a 3 month old. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. This feels partly like a reputation versus reality thing, like New York City a decade or so back, when I kept telling people to stop worrying about crime when they were planning a visit to the safest large city in the country. Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? Sorry Sketch, that wasnt aimed specifically at you. At this rate, Im going to be too afraid to leave the house until spring, and thats not acceptable. I am sitting in my car at the airport catching up on AAM before I get back to life and guess where I came from? its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! My company had an annual meeting in Vegas a few years ago, that I wasnt important enough to attend, and I was crazy jealous. A few weeks after I started a great job, my mother-in-law literally messaged me and my husband to ask if we were able to put food on the table and should she send us money, so I can relate. Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. *offers you an internet hug*. of course im very careful around others who drink and make it a point to be responsible and not get carried away, kwim? I dont know any sex workers and it certainly would not be for me, but Im not going to clutch my pearls and start labeling other people,s choices as unwholesome and I have a big eye roll for people who do. Plus those casinos take forever to walk across and they are saturated in smoke, blech! Haha! Yeah, I had a boyfriend in college who Id started dating after being part of the same friend group as him for a long time. And companies love it because it tends to be cheaper than other places with similar conveniences. I stayed once at Palms Place, the long-term stay part of the Palms that is set up like studio apartments with full kitchens. let has no part of a marriage unless it deeply affects the partner and then people need to work on it together. My only regret about that trip was that it was so last-minute I couldnt get a ticket for my boyfriend, who has never been to Vegas and would have also enjoyed wandering through the hotels and playing a few slots for the free drinks. Im going on a business trip to Vegas in a few weeks and Im grateful the conference is there rather then other difficult travel to destinations. Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. That would be buying in to his controlling behavior and it would be a bad move for their relationship. OPs husband sounds like my mom. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. Answer (1 of 11): I do not care why he does it! Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). But, because of Vegass layout & security, those places are no where near the big hotels/conference centers. Last but not least, take some time for yourself. :( Her husband seems like an abuser. I really dont care if you pitch a fit. Then disengage. Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. I have no idea. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. Also, if youre like me and my Mother, your emotional reactions could spiral his emotions up, until youre making each other worse. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. With NUNS. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcomo llegar a los alpes franceses husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Trotting out the results of a bogus survey is classic manipulation, in many sectors. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Or his response could give her more information about what is really on her husbands mind. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Why doesnt he trust you? It sure could be, also its pretty weird that hes getting such a homogenous I would NEVER let my spouse go on a trip to Vegas for their job response from everyone hes discussed this with. Husband may be dealing with separation anxiety, and instead of communicating that, is using Las Vegas Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. I hope he can get help and is able to recognize this about himself, since you say hes a great husband otherwise. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. ), so Ive seen it a lot. Seriously. And I really dont want to camp with a bunch of guys drinking beer, poking the fire and talking about cars (or whatever it is they talk about). Needless to say, I did not find this a compelling argument for reconciling. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? Overnight somewhere then do the same thing the next day. I didnt hear that there were kids. We specifically took any kind of obey language out of our vows. I second Alisons advice that marital counseling is needed. But honestly? Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) Youre an adult, OP! But you dont get to be irrational all over someone else without consequence. But it was a pain in the ass to get there, I felt super unsafe walking around at night (as in, someone else from the conference actually got muggedthere were few street lights and the streets were deserted after dark), and the food sucked. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. If your husband is otherwise kind and reasonable, its important to know that this is a very unusual stance for a spouse to take, so Im glad youre taking it seriously. Yeah, I hate having that thought, but that was exactly where my mind went he is freaking out because he thinks OP is going to do what he did. ! Um, Im going to my cousins house. Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. He easily sleeps 4 hours. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. Perhaps its Vegass advertising being really effective with him, or perhaps its something larger. His friends also wouldnt let their wives go? I second counseling. my husband doesn't want me to go on a business trip to Vegas Finally, I can think of far better places to hold business meetings like Atlanta you have to change planes here anyway, so why not?? Twenty. Please be safe, and let us know what happens. Do I Have to Travel with Husband to Visit In-laws? - Mamapedia I need you to stop doing that. (Im also concerned that hes collecting votes from his friends about whether to allow you to golike, wow, not only does he not trust you to make a decision, hes giving you a whole list of people who he apparently trusts more than you?) Most of them. But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. Flying might be easier. OP, I want to add a data point to counter his everyone agrees with me! comment. The educational health content on What To Expect is reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts to be up-to-date and in line with the latest evidence-based medical information and accepted health guidelines, including the medically reviewed What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff. This was pre cell phone so it meant finding payphones. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. That doesnt seem fair! And the wife discussing it as though its a reasonable position makes me SAD. Marriage counseling and perhaps some counseling for him personally. I LOVE it when my wife travels. Im surprised that you specify *rural* Saudi Arabia given that Saudi Arabia is one of the least egalitarian countries in the world, with virtually no freedom of religion. One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. Hah. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). -OPs husband, probably. Talk about what services you provide. The weather sucks in Vegas. OP take care of you first. Ive known many a controlling spouse, but most of them know to keep it in check when it comes to the providers job. Especially as she is the primary breadwinner, shes got to be allowed to do her jobeven if it means travelling to Vegas. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. Either hes got anxiety driving him to act out this way, which can be addressed with talk therapy to learn new coping mechanisms (also, medication is an excellent tool that could help) or, he feels threatened by your success in business and is seeking to sabotage you to keep you in your place. Excuse me? I strongly suspect it is not actually about Vegas, but perhaps a trip full of family friendly activities there could solve his issue if it is, in fact, about Vegas. I think if OPs husband was acting reasonably, this would be a good solution. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. Having a neutral third party is really useful. Not that it makes it ok, at all. I think youre right, but I think just as often people jump to an abuse/controlling scenario when it involves a relationship. Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). Agreed. I knew a woman who was very sincerely pious and churchgoing and lived her Christian values. Youre going to DIE!. And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. But also, my aunt and uncle are pretty bigoted and I know they modeled the idea of a submissive wife and dominant husband for my cousin. But truly, its a secondary concern here. and a lot to it more than the Strip. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Yeah, there were some shady businesses. Unsurprisingly, this is a hard concept for controlling people to grasp; What do you mean, one person can unilaterally end a relationship with no input from the other person? Except he took a poll of his mom. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. Just my two cents. Best of luck to you, LW. I think the conversation is worth having. I think the intent is clear, though; its that the nameless sources would object to their spouses going. You can even pick up brochures of holiday packages. She didnt ask permission to go on a business trip this week, because I understand that her work travel is non-negotiable. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? Also deploying the well everyone else thinks youre wrong too thing is a really immature way to work through a disagreement. Choosing your career over your marriage is only possible when your husband turns a normal business situation into an ultimatum. It reminds me of what my parents always said to stop me doing things. In that couples case, I believe the wife was worried about being left alone at home, so the husband invited the wife to come with him on his trip, and at first she was planning to join him, but then her anxiety subsided and she decided to stay home and get together with friends in the hometown instead. Doesnt really matter. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? I also have a lot of real/not real conversations in my own head. You can make decisions for yourself! same. Youre better equipped than anyone here to judge whether hes capable of moving past his insecurities and choosing not to or if theyre something totally beyond his control, but you should get to the point of understanding that this is his own baggage and the only reasonable things you should feel about them is either sadness that your husband is falling to this sort of insane thinking or frustration that hes letting his insecurities get the better of him, whichever of those you think is more appropriate to your situation. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. Also she is sole provider for family? It is. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. I dont let him go on trips because we dont manage each others lives like that, but I do support his career and any travel that entails even if its stressful for me. When I talk to my friends nowadays (still in Ohio, btw! But secondhand smoke doesnt have an opt-out. The smoke. I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! Scheduled calls are a great idea. This sounds like a difficult situation, so do whats best for you. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy? I was fine. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! OP this is the kind of thing Id bring up in therapy what you will do and what you will NOT do. Living with someone like this for the rest of your life sounds like a real misery. My husband is like this, perhaps to a slightly lesser extent. Im all for giving your loved ones the name of the hotel youre staying at and checking in on a nightly basis (Ive done it myself) but if hes being controlling and/or anxious, there may be no amount of information that will be enough to assuage him. If this is a regular occurrence, it could be indicative of a larger problem, such as marital strife. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. I worked 100 hours in 8 days. My spouse also has some anxiety issues, and will develop obsessive worries about certain irrational things. But I did find pictures of her with male strippers so yeah Im nervous shes younger and hasnt traveled like I have the world can be dangerous. I really hope it does lead to the OP getting help. So, OP, if you take nothing else away from this comment chain, hopefully you at least get some calibration to your is-it-weird-o-meter. I dated a guy like that! Whether he is abusive, controlling, insecure, or driven by unmanageable anxiety we dont know. I think OP and her husband are from a more conservative background. If you do this, he will *hate* it; I did, and so did my Mother, when I started doing this. His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. Ultimately, a relationship cannot survive without trust. Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. Good luck! Life is short. But I believe that talking it out in clear terms is step one, at least. What the hell? Actually the cigarette smoke present in many buildings is the biggest turn off for me about Vegas. Oh, god, me too! This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. (FWIW Im married and work FT and during tax season Ive come home at 10-12 PM. A week? And in the second place, theres definitely nothing that conflicts with the fact that surveying ones friends is not a great way to navigate ones marriage. Your husband has some very abnormal thoughts and I cant any scenario where you not going to Vegas has any bearing on the kind of warped thinking going on in his brain. You can add it up to four. Huh. Disordered anxiety changes shape to fit inside whatever container is available, which might be infidelity or kidnapping or alien abduction. (Im also not sure you can un-yoke controlling from its pejorative overtones, given that most of us have plenty of things wed require partners not do and we dont call ourselves controllingits always something somebody else does.). Oh thats my mothers thing, too. I might include a warning when I announce the event though thats like, even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism or whatever. Her explanation was that she knew that the sun set around 4:15ish at that time of year and it was dark outside, therefore I should be inside. I dont think its all that misogynistic cheating isnt the only thing hes worried about. So we'd do 2 four- hr stretches with one long stop in btwn. The kidnaps, cheating, etc etc that COULD happen in Vegas (with about as much chance as being struck by lightning) are all just scare tactics to convince YOU to stay home and desire his protection from the big, bad world. I was admittedly super jealous when Booth got to go to Orlando because Disney World is a lifelong obsession of mine, but I didnt beg him not to go, or tell him that all the other wives I spoke to wouldnt allow it . Im really not interested in goingI dont gamble, I dont care for tourist attractions, etc. When I said but no one else called their boyfriends he then he shifted to well, if you want to have a relationship like THEIRS I think it doesnt take much poking at this topic to find out if your spouse is anxious or controlling. Lastly, if you know your husband likes to stay home, bring the party to your house. OP, only you can make the choice about whether this marriage is worth staying in. Unless hes got super-deep anxiety, how do you just kind of throw out but you might CHEAT on me if you go to Sin City!! My mouth just kept falling wider and wider open. I dont think people are misreading; I think that the phrasing is confusing but that context indicates its meaning. At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. I cannot stress how much this letter pisses me off. Sometimes together (we work for the same agency), but mostly separate. But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. Most people just went to Banana Republic and then did some karaoke. It was a realllllly boring upbringing. If the wife approaches it as a joint issue, that demonstrates goodwill rather than blame, and is more likely to get the husband into the therapists office. If he doesnt trust you, and is otherwise not riddled with anxiety, whats causing that? (In 1989 there was 24-hour keno in practically every restaurant.). Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. And so on. Ive been unattached most of my life, and am in a life partnership now. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. OMG, but the burgers there are sooo good! How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. For example, I dont gamble and drugs, etc have no appeal. It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. Your husband is being insecure (at best!). I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. Asking for baseline respect should not be a fraught conversation. Other National Geographic Family Journeys from G Adventures include bucket-list family vacation destinations like Iceland, Japan, South Africa, Peru, Costa Rica, Morocco, and Vietnam. Even if he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, he needs to recognize that this behavior isnt reasonable in a relationship, and marriage counseling is a great way to work out problems in a relationship. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? Wouldnt that bother you?. (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? within arms range. I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. In a healthy marriage, there is no spouse v. spouse, and theres room for career, hobbies, friends, etc. My ex boyfriend is telling lies about me to my family, especially to my The good part is that I was able to figure out why I had that reaction, which (mostly) made it go away. I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. Ive been to Vegas a couple of times and saw a ton of business conferences and expos going on. How Vacations Can Help or Harm Your Relationship What about yourself? If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. I think its also quite possible that hes either misrepresented it to the people hes asked, misrepresented their responses to the OP, and/or hasnt actually asked as many people as hes said he has. In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. Life is short. My grandmother pays for the trip. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. However, she expresses that love with some convoluted discussion about the risk of driving a car 8 miles from our home to downtown. What do you think?. his friends wouldnt let their wives go. Does he not control other things about your life OP? A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Your post will be hidden and deleted by moderators. And ate a lot of food. and my husbands main reaction has been I hope you have a great time, and Im glad you are not trying to get me to go too. OPs husbands friends would have a conniption if they heard about my situation! I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. She should go and she should make therapy a minimal condition of continuing the marriage. Ive looked at the posts from the OP (Working Wife), and in the first place, she hadnt posted when I posted this. She and I have spoken about it, in part because I travel without my husband a lot, including to family stuff. You cant leave the house, there are kidnappers everywhere! I wonder if he needs help with general anxiety rather than marriage counselling. I also suggested going to counseling for professional diagnosis and treatment. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. There is so much good food in Vegas, I love it there. (Ive been to LV exactly once, for work.

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