my husband defends his sister over me

But Im tired of being grilled about all of our life choices and the timing of revealing them. How do you keep things safer between the sheets? In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. My sister has been married to her emotionally and verbally abusive husband for 35 years. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? Tell him while you will ensure that you are not overshooting the budget, he has to ensure his parents are doing the same. You are welcome dear. Our commenting guidelines can be found here. I received a scathing email from my sister-in-law recently demanding to know why I wouldnt tell her family for 20 weeks. WebOriginally Answered: My husband listens to his sisters alot and what they say goes for me and our marriage. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. A: Its good to hear from someone who has lived this ugly dynamic, and was able to change it. Most recent situation which I mentioned above. He tells me I am overreacting and that I should get over it. Will there be fallout? Beyond simple flirting and physical attraction, He knew, he knows. I cant imagine how hes going to explain that departure to potential employers. A couch is a major purchase and theres nothing wrong with doing your research and making sure youre getting the right one. I made my family (me, husband and kids) the way we wanted to be. She is always around, he tells her all their business, and on their date night he invited his sister to come along. Denied he gets upset, denied that he talks about my family, denied that he has been nit-picky toward my daughter, nieces/nephews, denied he uses an angry tone when he does nit-pick, etc. It doesnt sound like you need psychological counseling, just a better system for making financial decisions. Send questions for publication here. Heres where we disagree though: My husband thinks we should just start trying and see what happens. You say that youre in marriage counseling for other issues, so I wonder about your husbands relationship with his colleague not so much in terms of betrayalas you dobut in terms of what it reveals about the dynamics in your marriage. We are much happier for it too. Learn how your comment data is processed. I think I may show this thread to my husband. My husband gets angry whenever I say anything about his family. My MIL says she cannot stand my husbands ex and doesn't want to have anything to do with her so that is why I said what I said. A: Your answer is contained in your question. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. "Highly skilled sheet metal fabricators with all the correct machinery to fabricate just about anything you need. But if they are essentially decent people, it will echo. A: Ah, no, the wedding is about the couple getting married. Is this just the trend of celebrations now and I should go along with it? If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. What do I say when people ask me how Jim is doing? Perhaps its a workmate who enjoys crossing the line. Read some reputable books on creating a budget and living within it. Who knows why she is doing what she does with the ex. Oh, and one more question, why does he say he treats your family a bit cold and keeps them at arms length? Have you ever asked in a way that is 'ju Hes lying about it, too. By curiosity, I mean that instead of arguing about your husbands texts, have you been able to step back and try to understand why this friendship is important to him; what hes getting from it that he may be missing in other parts of his life (perhaps feeling seen, understood, respected, enjoyed? His parents would be heartbroken if we dont invite his dad, but neither of us want to ask that my family endure his remarks, even padded with His mind is slipping and he says hateful things sometimes. I fear we wont be able to have the big wedding we planned on but Ive never encountered this situation before so I dont know if Im missing an obvious solution that would afford us a family event, or if well have to elope or just bite the bullet and ban him from the festivities. Do not build resentment over this. So point out every time that he has hurt your (Questions may be edited.). I feel theyre now old enough to be addressed as the young women theyre becoming and understand the implications of their actions. We offer this Site AS IS and without any warranties. I called him a mamas boy. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! WebMy in-laws had a very high-conflict marriage, they separated 3-4 times over the course of their marriage, twice because of problems with their own respective parents/in-laws. I don't know what I can add that will be of help Three things come to mind after reading your post: Didn't find the answer you were looking for? I wonder, too, if youve been able to step back and ask yourself why his platonic texts (that you have seen and say arent sexual) feel so upsetting or threatening to you (perhaps you wish you shared this easy rapport with him, too?). If this is my reaction, should I break up with him or try to work on it? Anything else is just tolerating (and therefore enabling) his racism. Q. This is a reality many married women face in India. And for them, you have been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss. If your boyfriend is the one doing the flirting with his female friends, then he's probably doing it on purpose. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. This is even more important as including him would likely be directly harming your own relatives. I am considering separating from him if his behavior doesnt stop. It seems like anything that comes of out of my cousins mouth warrants a snide retort from one child or the other. He had numerous affairs during the late 90s and early 2000s (and perhaps longer than that). He would tell me that he doesnt wanna hurt her feelings, which made me feel less than. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Hi there, I have a foggy brain and will read everyone's posts carefully and forgive me if this has been said. I wonder if one reason that your MIL I have been on the receiving end of his outbursts numerous times and have been called the C-word during his tantrums. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. I think nice conversation and a hug would be sufficient not multiple hugs and kisses and numerous I love you's within a few minutes. That means she sets the family tone, which only encourages her worst qualities. He says shes dead, so theres no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. On the last Monday of each month, Lori Gottlieb. We want both of our families to celebrate with us but are concerned about how my future FIL will behave toward the POC members of my side of the family, so much so that we havent announced our engagement to anyone yet. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? Constructive criticism. that is what Londres's post is and I think she may have hit it right on the head. And you are struggling with your childrens studies and could do with some help from him in Maths. Your mother is my friend, so just as I hope you would stick up for a friend who was being treated terribly, Im going to ask you to stop insulting her.. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. He is a disgusting human being. When I offered to go to the hospital to be with her, she made a disgusted noise and said, Like you care. No, I dont care about him. We enjoyed ourselves the first few years. I want the truth, the person asking says, but if you tell me the truth, I will shame or judge or abandon you. I don't exactly see that is speaking ill of her. Hopefully, the LW can have an impact now, so these girls will not have a lot of regret later in life. Ya know what I mean? It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. Great company and great staff. What should I do? I don't like his ex either but I'm still cordial out of respect for my step-daughter. I think she had a few real orgasms, but mainly faked them. A: If more people were like you, the housing crash might have been a lot less disastrous. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship are healthy and functional. If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. She was sitting on his lap and In a live chat, Prudie counsels a woman whose husband is devastated that his lover has diedand expects her to comfort him. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. Not being racistor keeping those thoughts in your headis not a lot to ask. Im worried about him, although during the day hes one of the happiest people Ive ever met. Here are two different ways to look at your situation: 1) Your husband is a no-good liar and you should leave him. No one deserves to put up with his behavior. Went as far as to say he doesn't remember anything I'm talking about. I think they really do know how disfunctional the family is deep down but like with anything else they are protective and defensive. What he is doing comes naturally to him. If it makes you feel better, you can say, Youve made it clear how much you dont want to be around people of color, so we are doing you a favor by letting you skip this.. Set the boundary early and often that a prerequisite to being included in family events is a zero-tolerance policy for racism. And dont let another woman dishonor her husband by complaining to you. This is the second letter Ive gotten about the amazing development of the awful gender-reveal party. He's definitely doing that on purpose. A quick Google search pulled up the following results and many others: Ads Explain Why Animals Shouldnt Be Given as Gifts, Why You Shouldnt Give Puppies As Gifts This Christmas, Puppies are long-term commitments, not last-minute gifts, This Holiday Season, Remember: A Puppy Is NOT a Present.. A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services. Do I need to give him time to mourn the loss of his mistress? The Content on this Site is presented in a summary fashion, and is intended to be used for educational and entertainment purposes only. She never had sex before we got together, not even masturbation, because of her conservative upbringing. But if you are being railroaded into doing things you dont want to do, then you say no and decline the money. We married when I was 31 and my wife was 29. His ex has done so much to alienate the relationship between my husband and his daughter that his daughter will barely say two words to him and completely ignores any attempt he does to make contact. If you tell me the truth, I will try to control you. Q. Celebration Overload: I have three sons in their late 20s and early 30s. How do I deal with this? Q. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. Lets say your husband is defending a friendship he has with another woman. The first thing out of his mouth was he wasn't jealous of his friends. Goodluck and hang in there! He just denied everything. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.). I am a 43-year-old man, and my wife is 41. It would seem odd to tell a therapist, Im happy and have no real problems, but I have night terrors.. And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. Right now your position is: End the texting or Ill leave. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. If you see that most of your husbands income is given away to his parents for the upkeep of their home and you are left struggling with the finances at the end of the month, then it becomes really frustrating. If he's not, divorce him and find someone better. To everyone - Londers,Brice,Tinnkker and especially you Specialmom, thanks for your advice. Even if it may not sound like it, I appreciate your adv When a wife brings an issue such as this to her Its true that people who foot the bill can make demands. Lets face it, usually the bride/mother is the driver behind these events, so as a mother of sons, you want to preserve your relationship with your offspring and their wives. Re: Celebration Overload: Its not always the bride who wants this huge lavish event. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. One simple piece of advice that can go a long way in resolving the deadlock is to become a part of his family, in true earnest. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. I go out of my way to be nice to them and don't ever have disagreements with his family or anything. Stay away from topics about sex, secrets, and struggles . So Id say to leave him off the list. Never disrespect your wife by talking negatively about her to another woman. Should I let this happen? (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Related Reading: 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage. Her husband is part (or the cause) of the problem. Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex. I found this out when I saw his phone. I'm not saying your mom this or that. Instead, consider it a way of filling up the time when your husband is unavailable to you by surrounding yourself with people you love. And when I am ready, how do I tell my co-workers and clients? Interestingly, while Ive known she exists as his colleague, he has never introduced me to her even though I know all of his other work friends.. You tell as much as youre ready. I really dont like it when you order for me or pressure me. I don't understand it and I've had it!! I always politely decline, but Id really like it if he stopped. Try to take positive steps through communication and creating boundaries and not keep resenting the fact that he is choosing his family over you. Over the years we are able to talk more openly about each others family because we are solid and we even laugh a little too! A sister who will stand by any man she is in a relationship with. Be kind and polite, but firm. We live a good distance away, but every few months, my work takes me near her house and Ill visit and stay overnight. Maybe the ex is intimidating (always a leader that meets their match). Tell your husband you are happy to apologize when youre in the wrong. I may be one of few, but I didnt have a bridal shower. They didn't care that he didn't have It may be that the teenagers dont want to hear this message now. If you are being asked to be an understanding source of solace while he mourns the loss of his mistress, a woman who was possibly the mother of his child, then that is an emotional burden thats simply outside the bounds of what one spouse can ask of another. Like perhaps she was/is afraid that if she doesn't treat this woman well, that she'll then be the next target. But it sounds as if youre both employed and making good financial choices. Break up for now, before your dissatisfaction with this arrangement causes a huge conflict, and tell yourself that if its meant to be, you can always get back together in the future. Or should I demand he focus on our marriage? I do not understand what You see as an issue here. Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. Or a neighbor whos too Kind of a shoot the messanger thing. Even pointing something out sets him off. Either way, you wont be able to have a conversation about his texting that will be helpful to you individually or as a couple until a deeper understanding is reached. My sister-in-law is repeatedly nasty to me and I find it upsetting and unjustified. It set him into defensive mode every time. First, about the lying: Sometimes people lie because the person requesting the truth makes the truth telling so aversive. Trying to be kind: My best friends mother died a couple months ago following a long cancer battle. Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? He was raised by nice parents, enjoys good physical health, has a job he likes, we have a happy marriage, he has friends and, as far as I know, has never been the victim of any kind of serious crime or trauma. Q. As you get more used to the break, you can add down the road, Sadly, he and I have separated. After that, she seemed to lose interest. Never commented other than "I'm sorry, I don't know, hope it works out etc"I figured out I was always saying what he thought but I said it first. "Being unwilling to defend a significant other doesn't necessarily mean someone is being My Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. I can still remember standing up to my father in my 20s when he tried to get me to join in in ridiculing my mother. If you dont like it, why you try cooking next time? but thats it. First he needs to check in with his internist and explain whats going on. Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question. Q. The first time my ex struck me leaving welts on my arm and chest which made it hard to carry the backpack I used as a part-time seminary student I weighed about 100 pounds to his almost 180. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. The Bonobology Team comprises expert writers who have been writing on this specialized subject of relationships for a long time and have a deep understanding of couple relationships and its ramifications. Sometimes MOM is the leader of the pack and whether he thinks it's right or wrong he will stand up for his own. Again, one would need to know history and dynamics. Knowing youre making good decisions should keep you flush and rested. While theres nothing sexual in their messages, and he assures me they are only friends, I have repeatedly expressed my displeasure and discomfort about the situation. They want the truth, then punish the person for telling it. This could get really annoying because this is one of the tell-tale signs your husband puts his family first. It surely sounds as if he has some kind of sleep disorder and likely its treatable. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. Is it time to out myself as a recovering alcoholic, or is there some other way to get him to stop? Well, I'm glad that you two have found the same page to be on. You'll be happier seperating yourself from anger surrounding his family. I hope it c All rights reserved. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. Q. Im a Tightwad: Both my husband and I grew up with very little money. If they think an American college is a waste of money but you have always aspired for one for your son, put your foot down. My question was posted because I don't know why my husband gets so defensive or upset over anything. Hug, hold hands, often. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. You have to accept that the days of the DIY wedding are gone. My exact response was, Dont I have the right to choose when to announce my pregnancy? We disclaim all responsibility for the professional qualifications and licensing of, and services provided by, any physician or other health providers posting on or otherwise referred to on this Site and/or any Third Party Site. I think, since were technically living with my parents, we should ask for their blessing before we start trying. So I think you should tell him to move out while you each figure out what you want out of your marriage and life. Goodnight and I will post in the morning in case anyone is interested. Someone has to win here, and it should be the people who arent awful. All rights reserved. Harry Potter star Evanna Lynch says J.K. Rowling deserves more grace amid claims that the author is transphobic. Help! Whenever possible, speak to your in-laws directly. Now, I always suspected this was because I am not very bigIm about 3.5 inches erect, and I tend to ejaculate quickly. So slap on a smile and be grateful to be included. Q: Sister-in-Law Furious About When I Revealed My Pregnancy: My husbands sister thrives on being a passive-aggressive, attention-hogging know-it-all. It's supposed to say "Despite it does bother me how my MIL has been acting with my husband ex after what she is done, I'm mad about how my husband react when I say anything even if it's when I'm siding with hi. This woman will take this as it's ok for her to continue with her antics. He says no. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. Q. No, scratch that. You should begin, by understanding that this is NOT about the sisters of your husband. Right now were debating having another child. You dont trust your husbandand for good reasonbut he may not trust you either, in the sense that he may not trust your capacity to acknowledge his truth were he to share it openly with you. Theres only one issue: Hes poly and Im not. In the few hours Im there, they insult her looks, her cooking, and her intelligence. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. Nevertheless, he wakes up, at a minimum of one night a week, screaming, thrashing, and terrified. I miss the days of one bridal shower, a ceremony in a church, and cake in the church basement. That gives him the space to work on those issues. Over the years, I have learned a lot and maybe it will help you. And once theres more space for the truth, there will be more understanding and compassion on both sides that will move you out of your respective corners and help you resolve the texting impasse.

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